Have you ever felt pressure to align your beliefs or comments to those around you for what felt like survival? The right answer becomes harder to see, when everyone in the situation is screaming and agreeing to answers you know will not work. Your survival instinct kicks in and you just want to get out of the situation as fast as you can. However, leaving the room only to ignore what is happening can be equally unsettling. Having your facts and opinions straight in your own mind is healthy.
If you are reading this message, I know you are a caring person. You want the best outcome for everything in your life and for others. Many kind and caring people believe they are helping others by offering sympathy or empathy to those in pain. However in most cases compassion is usually a better answer and it rarely (never) comes with screams.
Empathy, Sympathy and Compassion seem so intertwined that when asked for a definition of each word, you probably have to think for a moment before you answer. I am going to describe three different responses to the same situation. I first read a version of this explanation written by Roxane Burnett in 2011 and I have shared it many times. So here goes!
A group of people are at a wedding reception. The bride has indulged a little too much, so when she reaches for another glass of champagne she falls into the deep end of the swimming pool. She was completely soaked in her dress and to her guests she looks like she is drowning. Her dress, swimming skills (and alcohol) were seemingly complicating her ability to successfully swim to safety. The guests, her friends and family, were stunned and were quickly deciding what to do.
First scenario Empathy- Her friends showing her empathy matched her emotion and jumped into the pool, fully dressed to save her. They were caught up in her struggle and she began dragging her rescuers down with her. They were able to get out (barely) but they were wet, out of breath and exhausted. The bride continued to struggle.
Second scenario Sympathy- Her friends showing her sympathy started lowering their arms into the pool for her to grab. She reached some of their helpful hands and pulled them in. The others hands she didn’t reach ended up soaked. They were less exhausted, but were unable to help the bride; she was still struggling in the pool.
Third scenario Compassion- Her friends showing her compassion reach for the really strong stick by the side of the pool. They place it in the water for her to grab. These friends do not get wet nor are they dragged under water by the bride. Compassion showed by her friends gave her a choice and ability to help herself. These friends helped her make her way to the shallow end. She was then able to walk out of the water when she was ready; they helped her out of her situation.
And of course I can’t forget all of her friends and family recording the whole situation and posting it to FB and YouTube. You also have to decide if you are that friend! You probably won’t get wet at the wedding, but doing so will probably put a damper on your friendship.
The unexpected twist to this story is that many attendants of the wedding believe that the fall was a set up to create a social media moment for the bride. Everyone was in the dark to the set up and was being used to create her splash on the internet. When some of her family and friends found out, they were less than amused.
If you find yourself feeling pressure to respond or agree with others in a certain way, step back and consider your response before you jump in. Waiting for the overreaction to subside, deciding whether the pressure you feel to respond is or is not in alignment with what you know to be a positive solution is more successful every time. Only you are in control of your response – reaction to everything. The bride and situation can be a mirror of situations you might find yourself in everyday life.
I hope you can find a way to share your kindness with others, and also find a way to do it without feeling guilt, shame or blame for knowing where the big rescue stick is and how to use it.
Love to all,
Cindi
